So, my ex-boyfriend went out on a date last night. And I still don’t know exactly what I felt about that.
See, we’ve been split up almost 2 years now. November will be the full 2. And in that time, I’ve had my serious ups and downs. I’ve met people and talked to random folks. I thought I was falling for a guy, but that went to hell and there’s a ton of silence these days. I even fell in love with a girl that turned out to be a total fiasco toward the end (which is normal for me, so no worries). And even though that didn’t work out, and I’ve been depressed beyond comprehension some days, I’ve made it through.
So why did I feel like utter crap for my ex’s date?
My main thought is that it’s jealousy. See, he linked her Facebook profile in his status about getting ready to go out, and she’s fucking adorable. Cute as a damn button, and looks like she’s got an awesome personality to boot.
Translation: Everything I’m not.
I got mad because he was so excited. I got mad because she seems like such a better match. I’ve known that guy since 2004. We were best friends before we dated, and now we hardly speak. Since he left me, he’s become so much happier. Started college, got an awesome job, bought a car. Never mind that he still lives with his mother at 26 years old. Still. I got jealous, and I’ve been very, very bitter.
I need to get past that.
Because there’s this guy, see… this amazing, wonderful, thoughtful, no-bullshit guy that I’ve been talking to for the last 3-4 months. And he’s so good to me, and so good with me, especially in dealing with my ups and downs. He doesn’t play the pity and pat my arm and say, “Poor you.” No. He calms me down and makes me talk through it. He helps me dig to the root of the moment and I tend to feel so much better for it. He won’t let me internalize. And I appreciate him for that. So much. And I love him for it even more.
Here’s the issue: He’s in Florida. I’m in Louisiana. We’re both poor ass broke.
So really, the worst of my issue with my ex going on his date was the jealousy. Because she looks genuinely awesome, and he got to see his new love interest before I get to see mine. I don’t find it fair, especially since I feel I was the only one distraught by our break up to begin with.
It seems sad and pitiful to be blogging about crap like this now that I’m 30, but you know what? That’s okay. Just because I’m a little older than most doesn’t mean I don’t feel the loneliness of a single life just as acutely as I did 10 years ago. You can’t, and shouldn’t, sit and judge me for feeling like a heart broken teenager when all pain of love hurts just the same, no matter the age.
I know I’ll be okay. I know that I’ll get to see my wonderful man soon (if all goes well in January), and I know that my future isn’t always going to look so dank and empty. It’s tough, and confusing, and things are going to get scary and hairy now and then. I know that. But I’ve become surrounded by wonderful, awesome people who love me for who I am. Flaws, cracks, quirks, eccentricities and all.
And really, that should be enough. It’s GOING TO BE enough. I’m going to get through. I wish my ex all the happiness in the world, I really do. I wouldn’t ask him to be alone and miserable forever. But I’m allowed to be bitter now and then. Because you never really stop loving people once you’ve begun. It’s impossible.